We all feel insecure or a little inadequate at times, but if persistently feeling 鈥榥ot good enough鈥� is having overwhelming, distressing, or debilitating effect on your life then it鈥檚 often a sign of low-esteem or low confidence. As part of our Burst the self-doubt campaign, our experts share their thoughts on how to spot the signs and why you may be feeling this way.
Spotting the signs
Perfectionism, procrastination, people pleasing, and over-thinking are common traits of those who have low self-esteem, but what leads us to form these behaviours?聽
鈥淗耻尘补苍蝉 are incredibly resourceful, so in response to feeling 鈥榥ot good enough鈥�, we develop coping mechanisms to help us feel safe, cared for, and generally ok in the world,鈥� explains therapist .
鈥淲e experience these habits as innate parts of our personalities - e.g 鈥業鈥檓 just very organised鈥� or 鈥業 just can鈥檛 say no鈥�, rather than as learned patterns of thinking and behaving. Ultimately these habits are working incredibly hard on an unconscious level, with the main aim of convincing ourselves we鈥檙e 鈥榞ood enough.鈥� And, even more crucially, to prevent others from unveiling our worst fears: that we鈥檙e not.鈥澛�
Staying in control
But as Lucy explains, when something that鈥檚 worked for us for years becomes the problem, it's no surprise that unaddressed feelings lead to an increased risk of burnout, and mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, OCD, or addictive behaviours - which are also all attempts to cope with distress.聽聽
鈥淭he behaviours I most commonly observe in my clinics are ones where we鈥檙e desperately trying to feel good enough by staying in control 鈥� both of ourselves, and of how other people see us, and therefore how they react to us,鈥� explains Lucy.
Pretending and perfectionism
Therapist agrees and says that pretending is another behavioural aspect that can show up in those that don鈥檛 feel 鈥榞ood enough.鈥�
鈥淲e see people acting like they are doing much better than they are in their relationships, family and work is a key sign of someone not feeling 鈥榞ood enough鈥� 鈥� and actually serves as a double-edged sword鈥� The person who is struggling but acting otherwise isn鈥檛 seen or understood so they can be supported. And the people watching them think 鈥榮he鈥檚 got it all together and is totally acing life. Why aren鈥檛 I?鈥欌��
鈥�Perfect is an unobtainable illusion that only puts pressure on every aspect of life to live up to unrealistic expectations,鈥� adds Lucy.
Where does it come from? 聽
Lucy says the original causes of low self-esteem and 鈥榥ot good enough鈥� feelings are complex and uniquely experienced from person to person, but they often stem from childhood.
鈥淔rom the moment we鈥檙e born we begin to develop our 鈥榮ense of self鈥� - our self-esteem, self-belief, and self-worth,鈥� explains Lucy. 鈥淥ur earliest life experiences play a crucial part in shaping how we see and understand ourselves, and how we believe others see us too. If we鈥檙e given the message - through the words, actions or behaviours - that we don鈥檛 measure up to expectations, we develop a deep and painful sense of being 鈥榥ot good enough鈥� for the love, care and attention of others.鈥澛�
But Lucy says that as we get older and we meet new people these beliefs will either be challenged or reinforced, and will become embedded into our self-concept.
鈥淭his will influence the internal narrative we hear playing in our heads, the voice that we hear as 鈥榦ur thoughts鈥�,鈥� says Lucy.聽聽
鈥淚n my client work, I often find feelings of shame are deeply rooted on an unconscious level - shame that there is something inherently wrong with who we are as a person.鈥澛�
How it affects women
Billie Dunlevy agrees but while not feeling 鈥榞ood enough; can affect anyone, societal pressures on women to be 鈥榓ll things鈥� are also to blame.
鈥淚n reality, no one can be 鈥榓ll of the things鈥� and feel like they are doing any them well, so naturally women often feel like they are falling short in one way or another,鈥� says Billie. 鈥淲omen鈥檚 liberation has been vital in increasing the choices available to them which is fantastic. However, having choices often means we have to say no to something. The idea that 鈥榳omen can have it all鈥� may be causing harm to some women鈥檚 wellbeing.鈥�
Lucy agrees and adds: 鈥淲omen are more likely to become experts at 鈥榤asking鈥� what they see as their weaknesses and struggles, which only serves to exacerbate the feelings of 鈥榠mposter syndrome鈥� that often accompany low self-worth and these 鈥榥ot good enough鈥� feelings.鈥�
Social media
Billie also says that social media and consumerism plays a huge part in these feelings too, and that women have a tendency to compare themselves to what they see online.
鈥淪ocial media and influencer culture feeds off our insecurities and is constantly suggesting ways we can 鈥榖etter鈥� ourselves or optimise our life,鈥� shares Billie. 鈥淲hether that鈥檚 buying certain products or consistently suggesting things we 鈥榮hould鈥� be doing - which nine times out of 10 has a component of spending money. It feeds off the feelings of never doing or being enough 鈥� which is often at the heart of low self-esteem.鈥�
Burnout
Billie says her therapy room is awash with women of all ages feeling burnout and fatigued talking about how there isn鈥檛 time to do 鈥榓ll of the things鈥� 鈥� whether that鈥檚 being the perfect parent, daughter, sister, batch cooking, exercising, or even attending therapy.
Influencer culture can also exacerbate self-esteem issues.
鈥淐ognitively we know what we are seeing isn鈥檛 real, it is heavily curated to look perfect. In fact, we all have an (unhelpful) tendency to only really put online our highlights. This gives the false impression that this is what other people鈥檚 lives are like all the time,鈥� says Billie.
Unlearning behaviours
Lucy says that the thing she most commonly hears in her therapy rooms is that people don鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 possible to change because they feel their patterns of thinking and behaving are based on truth.
鈥淚 often hear: it鈥檚 just the way I am,鈥� says Lucy. 鈥淏ut for anybody who is feeling like this, it鈥檚 really important to remember that the thoughts and behaviours we鈥檝e learnt, can be 鈥榰nlearnt鈥�, and replaced with new, more balanced and more healthy ways of thinking about ourselves and our worlds.
鈥淭he key is to raise your self-awareness, develop self-compassion, identify unhelpful and unbalanced patterns, and courageously experiment with trying new and more self-accepting ways of relating to yourself and with others. It鈥檚 possible to do this yourself, but working with a qualified therapist or therapeutic coach can be really valuable in providing you with the right support to acknowledge your true strengths and brilliant qualities, challenge your often unconscious self-limiting beliefs, and develop new perspectives and solutions to old problems.鈥�
If you would like to discuss any of these issues with a trained and registered counsellor or therapist, please visit the 香港六合彩精准资料 directory.
