For some couples the stresses and strains of being stuck at home together because of the coronavirus lockdown are starting to show.

And that鈥檚 not a surprise, says our member . A certain degree of emotional and physical distance is often an important part of a relationship, she adds.

As well as that, many of us will be worrying about other family and friends, finances, jobs or the risks of being a key worker during this period.

Louise, a counsellor based in Cheshire, says: 鈥淯nder this level of strain, it鈥檚 natural to become impatient or irritated with one another at times, even within a solid partnership.

鈥淚n more fragile relationships, the situation will inevitably magnify existing tensions.

鈥淣ow more than ever it鈥檚 vital to try to treat ourselves and others with extra compassion, patience and respect.鈥�

These are her tips for couples to help them through this difficult period in their lives and relationships.

Explain what you鈥檙e feeling, rather than what your partner may be doing wrong

鈥淥ften we expect our partners to be mind readers about what we need or want, then if we are disappointed we can become critical or withdrawn,鈥� says Louise.

She recommends that when you feel the tension rising, 鈥渨ait a moment or two, then try to state calmly and clearly what you are feeling, rather than what your partner is supposedly doing wrong.

鈥淯se 鈥業鈥� statements rather than 鈥榶ou鈥� statements. 鈥業 really need some help鈥� works better than 鈥榊ou are so lazy and selfish鈥�. 鈥�

Find out what each of you are worrying about

She suggests talking to each other about what your worries are 鈥� and what would help.

鈥淲e often make things up in our minds about certain behaviours; misunderstanding them as selfish or designed to hurt.鈥�

Make a list of negotiables and non-negotiables

Louise stresses the importance of trying to talk and listen without judgement.

She adds: 鈥淎 good exercise I use with couples is to make a list of negotiables and non-negotiables. For example it might be appropriate to agree that one or other of you has more pressing work commitments and so is unable to muck in with chores during the day (negotiable), but nonetheless it鈥檚 unacceptable to leave the other partner to put the kids to bed on their own every night (non negotiable).鈥�

Resolve conflicts 鈥� and don鈥檛 bear grudges

It鈥檚 inevitable that there will be some disagreements during the current situation.

How these conflicts are resolved is the important thing.

鈥淚n healthy relationships, when something bothers one partner, they bring up the issue calmly and with honesty. If things do get heated as they sometimes will, the couple talk it through later and make amends. If these repairs aren鈥檛 made along the way, resentment builds up into a more unmanageable situation.鈥�

Show appreciation

Louise recommends showing appreciation by doing thoughtful things for your partner; such as making them lunch or dinner to show you鈥檝e noticed they鈥檙e tired.

She adds: 鈥淚f you treat this as a competition of who works harder, who is more tired, it becomes a battle of 鈥榶ou versus me鈥�. Try to make it 鈥榰s against the crisis鈥� with the goal of making life easier for yourselves as a unit.鈥�

Focus on your partner鈥檚 positive qualities

Spending all this time at home with your partner may make you feel like you鈥檝e both lost your identities a little, and highlight each other鈥檚 annoying habits.

Louise says: 鈥淭ry to look for the balance and be admiring of each other鈥檚 qualities. We can sometimes forget the strengths and positive traits of the person we live with. I sometimes ask the couples I see to describe what they would look for in a new partner. Quite often they describe the person who is actually right under their nose.鈥�

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