How we communicate with someone who is grieving a loved one is a subject that often comes up in the therapy room, says our member Jessica Mitchell.

Sometimes it鈥檚 because a person is struggling to find the right words to support someone they know who is bereaved. They are worried what they say will make things worse.

Other times it鈥檚 because the bereaved person is talking about something a friend or relative has said or done that has upset them.

Be there for them

While there may be things to be aware of when we鈥檙e speaking to a bereaved friend or family member 鈥� often the most important thing is just that we are there for the person.

Our presence can be more support than our exact words, adds Jessica, speaking to us during Grief Awareness Week.

That鈥檚 something she aims to her help clients to understand.

鈥淚 often hear people say that you learn who your friends are when you go through something like this. You discover who turns up, and who disappears.

鈥淪ome bereaved people will think that nobody will want to talk to them, that nobody wants to deal with their misery, that they鈥檙e being avoided.

Show you鈥檙e not going away

鈥淏ereaved people have suffered a huge abandonment. So just showing that you鈥檙e not going away is important. Let yourself be hauled through any awkwardness.鈥�

Jessica, a counsellor and psychotherapist based in south London, says there are certain things to be aware of about bereavement that can help when you speak to someone who is grieving.

People grieve differently

聽There is no right or wrong way to grieve, she says.

鈥淧eople grieve really differently. Some are very operational, they鈥檙e very active and may get on with jobs around the house, putting up shelves. Some people want to talk about their feelings, others really don鈥檛. It鈥檚 good to understand this. Listen to them, ask them what they want. Make it ok for them to express their feelings if they want to.鈥�

Give them a chance to open up

Asking questions can be good.

鈥淎sk what is going for them? How are they feeling? Just simple enquiries can give them a chance to open up if they want to,鈥� she adds.

Listen to what they have to say

Listening is key, rather than assuming you have a common experience, says Jessica. People often say 鈥業 know what you鈥檙e feeling鈥� when they really don鈥檛, she adds.

鈥淟et them say what they want to say. They may want to talk about memories, or they may not.鈥�

People tend to look to the future, or try to offer answers, says Jessica. They don鈥檛 need to do that. Just being with someone and listening is best.

Another thing to be aware of is not shutting someone down.

鈥淲hen people say 鈥榶ou seem to be doing so well鈥� or 鈥榶ou鈥檙e coping so well鈥�, it can seem like they鈥檙e shutting someone down. That person may be dying inside, but they鈥檝e just been told they鈥檙e fine.鈥�

Remember grief is complicated

For some people, grieving someone can be complicated.

鈥淣ot all relationships are perfect,鈥� says Jessica. 鈥淧eople may need the chance to express really complicated things about how they felt about that person. It can be difficult when people don鈥檛 understand.鈥�

Bereavement can also kick off lots of different issues in someone鈥檚 life, she adds.

A catalyst

鈥淚t鈥檚 such a huge event. People can rethink things. They may think about the meaning of life. Other issues can be kicked loose.

鈥淚t鈥檚 also often the first time someone comes to therapy. It鈥檚 a catalyst for them exploring the feelings they have,鈥� she adds.

All these things can help you understand why a bereaved person may react in a certain way.

They are things to be aware of 鈥� and can help you communicate with our friend or family member who is bereaved.

But for Jessica, the key point to reiterate is to not let worries about what you should or should not say to someone who is grieving, put you off from communicating with them.

Give it a go

鈥淲hy not just give it a go,鈥� she says.

鈥淲hat you say doesn鈥檛 have to be perfect. Just being there with them is important.鈥�

To find a counsellor or psychotherapist visit our Therapist Directory.