I confess. Over the years, I鈥檝e disliked some of the young people I鈥檝e worked聽with. Some have been arrogant. Some have been wilfully destructive. Some have shown no remorse for the things they鈥檝e done. Admittedly, my dislike has sometimes been retaliatory 鈥� because they haven鈥檛 liked me, I鈥檝e made it my business not to like them. Childish stuff. But often there鈥檚 been more to it than that. Often they鈥檝e seemed to like me well enough 鈥� they鈥檝e been on time for sessions, they鈥檝e been happy to talk, happy to come back. And yet鈥�
Why is it shameful to admit that we don鈥檛 like a young person? Is it because young people are young and therefore don鈥檛 deserve to be disliked? Is it because they can鈥檛 help being the way they are? Like most counsellors, I pride myself on liking young people. I鈥檓 not scared of them. I enjoy their company. I take as much trouble with the inarticulate and slow-witted as I do with the emotionally fluent and funny. And liking young people is important. It鈥檚 often what they pick up on and remember long after the relationship has ended. So when I find myself disliking a young person, it disturbs my equilibrium, my professional self-regard, my sense of who and how I鈥檓 supposed to be.
Is it that young people confront us with our younger selves as they sit there: spotty, uncomfortable in their own skin, dirty,聽 sweaty, overweight sometimes, with awkward hairstyles and ill-judged clothes? How much,聽wonder, do they remind us of those shadowy, disavowed parts of ourselves: our envy and fear, despair and hatred, our vengeful feelings, sexual chaos, competitiveness鈥�? If we want to believe that these parts no longer exist, that we鈥檝e completely exorcised them, then to what extent are we confronted by them all聽over again in young people, reminded of the聽very things we were trying so hard to forget?聽Does the strength of our dislike of a young person indicate the strength of whatever we鈥檙e denying in ourselves?
The danger of not acknowledging the dislike that we inevitably feel towards some young people is that we enter into false therapeutic alliances with them, pretending that everything鈥檚 OK until 鈥� eventually 鈥� it isn鈥檛. If young people sometimes hide their likeable qualities for fear that they鈥檒l be contaminated by whatever鈥檚 dislikeable in themselves, do we sometimes hide our dislikeable qualities for fear that they鈥檒l contaminate our kindly counsellor personas?
Nick Luxmoore鈥檚 latest book, Practical Supervision for Counsellors who Work with Young People (Jessica Kingsley, 2017), is out now.