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The word 鈥榯oxic鈥� has become a bit of a buzzword in the media and online, and it鈥檚 often used to refer to relationships. But聽 how do you know if you鈥檙e genuinely in a toxic relationship? And what can you do about it?

Our member Susie Masterson has seen the impact of toxic relationships on individuals and couples. She says they don鈥檛 just happen between partners in a romantic couple, but can be among friends, family members or work colleagues too.聽

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is one where you're unsupported, undermined, misunderstood or degraded. There may be controlling behaviour, dishonesty, resentment or jealousy.

An example of toxic behaviour is gaslighting, where one partner may repeatedly disagree with the other's views or question their memories and reactions. At its worst, this can become serious emotional abuse.

鈥淭he toxic behaviours mean you don鈥檛 have equal space in the relationship, there鈥檚 an imbalance,鈥� says Susie. 鈥淥ne person鈥檚 agenda is being pushed more than the other鈥檚.鈥�

Toxic relationships can be unhealthy and seriously affect your wellbeing - emotionally, psychologically and even physically. They may leave you deeply unhappy and affect your confidence, self-worth and mental health.

What are the signs you鈥檙e in a toxic relationship?

If you鈥檙e in a toxic relationship, your behaviour may change.

鈥淧eople might comment that you鈥檙e not acting like yourself,鈥� says Susie, 鈥淵ou might be making excuses all the time for someone else鈥檚 behaviour.

鈥淥r you might be displaying rescuing behaviour, where you are trying to fix someone else."

What can you do if you're in a toxic relationship?

In some cases it may be best to leave the relationship. But Susie says it鈥檚 not always that simple.

鈥淭here are many circumstances where you can鈥檛 remove yourself from the relationship,鈥� she says. 鈥淏ut there are things you can do to keep yourself safer within it.鈥�

She suggests creating some boundaries to give you more control. This could include deciding how to respond if certain things are said or happen.

A face to face conversation with the other person can help.

Susie says: 鈥淭ry to open the conversation by being accountable and modelling the behaviour you would like to receive, for instance, saying 'I know I鈥檓 doing this'. But don鈥檛 take all the responsibility. You shouldn鈥檛 end up in a situation where you鈥檙e saying 鈥業t鈥檚 all my fault鈥�."

She recommends thinking about your language and focusing on how you feel.

鈥淚t should be 鈥業 feel like this鈥� rather than 鈥榶ou made me feel like this鈥�, she says. "Own how you feel. And try to talk about emotions without being emotional.鈥�

How can counselling help with toxic relationships?

It's important to understand the relationship so you can both make changes. This is where therapy can help.

鈥淎s a therapist, I see toxic relationships from an individual and couple perspective,鈥� says Susie. 鈥淪ometimes when both parties are in the room it can be easier. It can be the space for them both to understand the relationship.鈥�

As a trauma-informed therapist, Susie looks at how family relationships and attachments have influenced how people think and behave. She says people often act out what has happened to them,聽 but they may not be aware of it. They can be trapped in the same patterns and choices.

鈥淯nderstanding the situation can help you see the steps to take to unpick things," she says.聽

鈥淎 therapist can help you unpack what is happening in the relationship and to you with curiosity and compassion. You can slow things down and make changes.鈥�