The Anti-Bullying Alliance defines bullying as the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power.

Bullying takes many forms and can include:

  • physical assault - such as hitting, kicking and pushing
  • verbal attacks - such as threats, name calling and belittling someone
  • social bullying - deliberately excluding someone by ignoring them or not including them in plans
  • cyberbullying - targeting someone online with hurtful messages or sending sexually explicit images or videos聽

Who might be bullied?

We often associate bullying with young people and school, but anyone can be a victim. And it can happen in any setting and within existing relationships such as partnerships, work colleagues and family.聽Often individuals are bullied for being different - perhaps because of race, gender, sexuality or disability.

Our member says: "Bullies will pick on what they see to be a weakness in their potential victim. Among children and young people, it tends to be those who are different in some way, when the irony is we鈥檙e all different.

adds: 鈥淏ullying can be random because what's different in one setting will fit in in another. In one school a child may be ridiculed and bullied because they don't like sport but love science, destroying their sense of self. While in another school their preference may be supported and valued, building their self-confidence."

Who are bullies and why do they bully?

鈥淎 bully seeks to harm, intimidate or coerce,鈥� says Kemi. 鈥淭hey tend to see their victims as less than themselves and assume they鈥檙e an easy target.鈥�

鈥淪ome people mistakenly believe making others look smaller will make themselves feel bigger but, actually, it鈥檚 the opposite," adds Emma. "Being kind to other people will boost your self-esteem.鈥�

They both agree that hurt people hurt people.

Says Emma: 鈥淭he impulse to damage someone does not, naturally, come from a good place. People may become bullies because they were bullied themselves and copy the behaviour. They may feel insecure or in pain and want to make others feel the same. They try to offload their dark and difficult feelings onto somebody else.鈥�

What are the signs that someone is being bullied?

Signs of bullying can be difficult to spot. Many people will keep their worries to themselves or they may try to brush it off.

鈥淐hanges in behaviour and becoming withdrawn can be signs of bullying,鈥� says Kemi. 鈥淭hey no longer act like their usual self.

鈥淚t鈥檚 also important to notice how the person behaves around their bully. Signs can include avoiding the bully or seeking their approval. They may be on edge, anxious or cautious, or have mood swings."

What can you do if you, or a loved one, are being bullied?

Being bullied can make you feel isolated and it can feel really difficult to do anything about it. You might not know who to turn to or fear it will get worse if you speak out.

Kemi says: 鈥淚f you're worried someone is being bullied, as much as they might resist it, support them to report it through the proper channels. This may take a while, so take time to listen to them and reassure them that it will be OK. But avoid taking over or pushing them into action or a choice. Gentle guidance and support is needed.鈥�

For children and young people, it鈥檚 important to make their school聽 aware. Schools have a duty of care to ensure children are safe and well in their environment.

Adults in a work setting should keep notes of all incidents of bullying, with details of dates, what happened, who was involved and any witnesses. Encourage them to seek help in whatever way they can.

One option is to remove yourself or your loved one from the situation.

Emma says: 鈥淲hile this can feel like giving in to a bully, a child who is ostracised in one school can be fully accepted in another 鈥� or even in a different classroom 鈥� and that will be life-changing for them. You have to balance your education, or career prospects, with your mental wellbeing.鈥�

She adds: 鈥淟et the person being bullied know you love them unconditionally and will treat anything they tell you with support and understanding. Never feel or suggest they deserve it - you will compound the bully鈥檚 damage.

鈥淚f you're the victim, remember there鈥檚 nothing wrong with you. Your bully is probably jealous of you or incapable of tolerating difference. The problem personality is theirs.鈥�

How can counselling help victims and bullies?

Whether you鈥檙e being bullied now or have been in the past, a counsellor can give you a safe space to explore what鈥檚 happened and its impact on you.

Emma says: 鈥淚n therapy, I help people to understand that, where someone is being nasty to someone else, the problem does not lie with the victim鈥檚 personality, it lies with that of the bully.

鈥淓veryone needs to connect with others - our universal fear is of being alone. Bullies gather people around them and exclude one person. The whole group joins in because their absolute fear is of being alone. They work together to subject their victim to their greatest fear.鈥�

Kemi says victims of bullying need a lot of emotional support for their mental health.

"Therapy can help you feel confident again and build your resilience. It can also help you move on and heal from the trauma of bullying.鈥�

Therapy can also help bullies by enabling them to discover the underlying reasons for their behaviour.

鈥淚t can provide them with a safe and healthier outlet,鈥� Kemi says. 鈥淚t can offer coping strategies and ways to break behaviour patterns like bullying."

If you have any comments or would like to share your story, please email us at communications@bacp.co.uk

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